WWYD if this was YOUR Husband?

WWYD if this was YOUR Husband?

Wow, this video below is real Jewish mom drama! Untrained husband wants to perform his son’s bris. Jewish mom, what would YOU do?


Related posts:

The Happiness War
Mommy Peptalk: No Time? No Problem!
Dancing Auschwitz Controversy

26 comments

  1. avrahamamma

    My husband did our baby’s brit and it was nerve-wracking. I made sure not to tell anyone that he was going to do it. I didn’t want anyone to make him nervous. We didn’t even talk about it. I just told him – Yes you can do it. I believe in you.

    And then we moved on. BUT he NEVER would have insisted like this husband did … its not fair to put that on a women who has just given birth…

    • esther kohn

      I agree with avrahamamma, its to much pressure to put on a new mother right atfer birth. Any stress or pressure at this time can trigger depression.

  2. elisheva

    Oy poor mama!!! The brissim of my sons were the hardest thinge I’ve ever done. Personally, I can’t imagine consenting to my untrained husband on this issue.

  3. My father in law is a mohel and my husband is a rav who has attended and assisted at dozens of britot. The husband is right. The mohel can prepare everything and the husband cuts. There is a metal shield, between the skin and the blade, really nothing can go wrong. Many mohelim offer the father to do the final cut but they do ALL the preperation.

  4. Hadassah Aber

    I think it is unwise to have votes on this issue. Why should we side with either one against the other? We should be working to bring them together not to show who is right or wrong. Personally this is a hard mitzvah for the mom to do no matter who is doing the cutting. and yes there are things that can go wrong afterwards even with an experienced mohel. Each of them is taking a my way or no way approach which can be detrimental to their entire marriage! Someone should be mediating to bring them together not having surveys to see how others side! With a brand new baby we should be helping them not putting them up for public display.

  5. I agree with Hadassah. At this point it’s a shalom bayis issue. Our opinions are not important – they need a counselor to speak to them to help them reach a decision that satisfies both of them. Perhaps if the mohel comes over to their house & demonstrated EXACTLY what her husband would be doing, that might put her mind at ease because it sounds like he has his mind made up regardless of what she says. Oy! Marriage ain’t easy! I wish them both hatzlacha & yiddishe nachas from their mew little bundle of joy.

  6. By the way, even with the gaurd,if you’re inexperienced, the person tends to pull up too early and then the mohel has the VERY hard job of trimming off the tiny piece that they left on. Why do I not see any videoclip?

  7. Amanda Elkohen

    My husband got all the training for Mohelut before our son’s birth and then his first cut was our son. it was a beautiful moment, and I trusted my husband much more than a relative stranger. However, there was his teacher there supervising, and several other expert mohels in attendance, so there’s little to worry about going wrong.
    I think it’s good to show trust in your husband about something like this, and he’s right when he says it’s halachically preferable to “DIY” rather than pass it off.

  8. How dare this husband act as though this decision is his and his alone?! As though his son’s body is completely his to decide what to do with, after HIS WIFE carried that body in her own womb for nine months and gave birth to it?! What kind of ego does he have, to think that his feelings about the importance of performing the mitzvah in a mihudar/preferable fashion, are more important than his wife’s concerns about their son’s safety?! How dare he spring this on her right after the birth and present it as an ultimatum, rather than discussing it in depth a few months before?! No rav in the world would support his performing the circumcision against his wife’s wishes!

    What would *I* do? Couples therapy. ASAP.

    • Amanda Elkohen

      Actually, the Rav SHOULD support the husband’s desire to do the halachically preferable thing, and encourage the wife to let it happen without protest. According to halacha, it IS solely his decision how to do the Brit, not hers, and if a wife protests her son having a brit at all, it doesn’t matter,because HE is the one chiuv for it, not her. In fact, the mother can’t even do it without the father, if there’s no father, a beit din has to do it.

      I’m NOT saying this particular guy did things the right way, explaining to his wife his desire to do the right thing, calming her fears beforehand, etc. OF COURSE he should make his wife as comfortable as possible about what is going to happen. However, when push comes to shove, the halacha is on his side, not hers.

      • that is not true if she refuses he cannot do it anyway she is not refusing a brit just his doing the cutting. if she refused the brit i think halachically you are right he could do it without her consent. thank g-d for the addition of modern law law which says no. he cannot preform surgery on his child without consent.

  9. My husband did both our sons britot, in the manner described by YM – the mohel set up the shield, and my husband did the cut. I thought it was beautiful, there is something very spiritual and special about a father introducing his son, personally, into brit avot.

    I think people get hung up over it because they are anyway emotional about a brit, but there is nothing to compare to doing a mitzva onself, even if a shaliach is acceptable.

    A shaliach can also stand under the chuppa. Is it the same as having your husband standing there? Same concept, halachically. I dont know of any woman who would prefer a shaliach. Brit milah is just as intense and mystical.

  10. I would talk to a Rav and see what he advises.

  11. From what the video show’s us, I also think the couple (and all married couples in general)need to work on understanding and shalom in their marriage. I also thought of a pasuk to ponder: “Whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her voiceā€¯ (Genesis 21:12).

  12. I saw this video over a year ago. Whatever decision they reached, it is long over by now!
    Chana Jenny- It would be great to know what happened in the end!

  13. I actually learned something really beautiful, I don’t remember the source:

    When a man gives his son a bris, he is accepting the fact of his OWN bris, performed on him when he was too young to know. It’s the full circle of acceptance of his own covenant with Hashem.

    Perhaps this man has a special tikkun to complete.

  14. Hindel Levitin

    What would I do if this were my husband? My answer is: It would never happen. This husband is acting absolutely, positively uneblievably disgusting. Wow!

    What kind of obnoxious husband attacks and threatens his wife like that where she has to threaten back that she won’t show up to the bris? (It probably IS doable for a father to do his son’s bris (as some people have had done), but that is TOTALLY not the issue.)

    Behind this mother’s laugh is fear and panic.

  15. It would never happen- as in, I wouldn’t experience a scenario like this with my husband threatening me like that.

  16. how come no one is talking about how disgusting the woman is acting? c’mon, just because this is a women’s blog, it doesn’t mean we can’t see the other side. It is best for the father to do the bris–that is well known. If it was so important to him, he should have learned before like his brothers did, but after the fact she should at least be willing to look into it and work on herself to make peace with it rather than showing that she doesn’t trust him, as if he cares less about his son than she does. Men have very special bonds with their sons–we don’t have a monopoly on that just because of our wombs.

    Also, when my son had a bris, I didn’t think for a moment about his pain. All I could think about was his incredible zechus and the kedusha of this moment! Has the secular mentality really penetrated our community so deeply? We have plenty of time to calm him down later. Once he starts nursing, all is forgotten.

    • You didn’t think for a moment about his pain??!!!

    • “Secular mentality”? Is that what you call a mother’s completely natural instinct to comfort her son and protect him from pain? Did Sarah rejoice when she heard that Yitzchak was being sacrificed on the altar as ordered by Hashem? No. Actually, she DIED of sadness.

      The mitzvot are not meant to be all puppies and rainbows. This particular one is often experienced as extremely painful for all parties involved. I am happy for you that you were able to focus on the enormous spiritual magnitude of the event–something many of us strive for–but don’t dismiss and belittle the pain other mothers feel when their sons are being circumcised, or call their protective behavior “disgusting”.

    • she should say no in a more understanding way I agree. not make peace with him hypothetically injuring her son by dominating her by force and if something were to go wrong would she ever forgive him if he forced her! better to fight now then to have an impasse later that she could not recover from.

  17. my husband suggested that he would like to do the bris on our first son. The mohel said, that’s fine – how many have you done before?? He said he was very happy to let him do it, but not as a first one. We have friends who have done this and i’m sure it’s very moving, special etc, but i felt much happier letting an experienced mohel do it. I think that while it may be halachically preferable for the father to do it, people commenting are right – it’s not an issue of halacha here, it’s a shalom bayis/relationship issue for him to spring it on her like this and try to force her. Would be interested to know what happened though, both re bris and re them…

  18. Hindel, for some odd reason, I totally agree with you. The woman’s laughter is not happy laughter. It’s nervous laughter. You can hear the discomfort, even panic, behind it.
    At first the husband says he won’t do it without her consent. Later on the phone in the parking lot he says he’ll do it regardless.

  19. ok i’ll admit
    Hindel is my daughter

  20. the problem is respect he doesn’t respect her or the process. he isn’t taking it seriously. he says his brothers did it and they practiced he hasn’t but…. the rav said he should fix his nail, no he says its straight enough, His wife says no , he says It is better if you agree but… this guy is not ready for the responsibility of the mitzvah. period.

Leave a Reply