11 Step Program to prepare for Motherhood- very funny:)

11 Step Program to prepare for Motherhood- very funny:)

I thought this list by Brenna Gray Foster was really funny! Thanks to my old and dear buddy Sari of Pittsburgh for sending it my way. Enjoy!

Reprinted with permission from http://wickedkate.com/

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!
Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner).

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!
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16 comments

  1. One of my friends just sent this me to via email. My husband and I were crying with laughter. I think my favorite Lesson 8, especially step 6!

  2. This is a great mail to send telemarketers that call you between 5-7pm at night and think your rude for not taking the time to here about their humanitary fundraising group or whatever else they are calling about- who can even hear them?? or even friends or family that dont have kids and dont get why your too busy to call- its just a phone call, right?!

    • Seriously, even our (hubby’s and my) parents seem to forget how hard it is to make a phone call as they wonder why we hardly ever call them. (And it’s especially hard because they’re in different time zones from us.)

  3. This was hilarious! Thanks for sharing.

  4. A good friend forwarded this last week. I was laughing so hard when I read it, I had to share it – I posted it on my blog that day.
    This was so funny that I considered calling my husband at work and reading it to him, but I decided I wanted to see his face when he read it. He was laughing so hard while reading it that he almost fell off the couch, tears rolling down his cheek, trying to catch his breath. I hadnt seen him laugh like that in a long time – it was good.
    We thought #7 was the best – a goat is an excellent anaology – our kids always eat their way through Shoprite.

  5. Absolutely histerical and true! I laughed to tears, as I hadn’t for a long, long time.
    It also gave me the confort to know that it’s not just my kids, you know…
    Thanks for this.
    Tamara

  6. i’m not saying anything that hasn’t already been said above: the laughter, the tears of hysterics, the goat, etc etc….

    but i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciated the great laugh and show my support of your great sense of humour!!!

    keep ’em coming!!

  7. Shoshanah Shear

    What a shame that a mother would ever think to give such a list. How about how special it feels to receive a card made just for you from your very own child? How about the invauable gift of singing a child to sleep, giving them a massage, giving them a bath? How about the feeling you receive when your child smiles at you gratefully for a cookie you made or their favourite food? How about the delight of seeing the world through the eyes of a child?

    Be careful about turning a woman off from having children or even making fun of the precious gift that is motherhood.

    • It’s called humor

    • Motherhood can be terribly difficult and stressful at times, and everyone needs to let off steam. I love my daughter to pieces but sometimes I just need a break. Comparing a three-year-old to a goat is quite accurate at times – and it’s a goat that we love dearly. Saying all the time how much you love your child and how amazing motherhood is is nice, but completely fails to address the inherent hardships. I think that no one with even the slightest sense of humor will be put off of having children after reading this.

      We aren’t making fun of the precious gift of motherhood, we are simply blowing off steam and acknowledging hardships – and if we get a few therapeutic laughs along the way, all the better.

  8. Terrific, totally hysterical and right on the money!

  9. mother of four

    Wow! how funny that was!
    i feel the endorphins already!
    good for you!
    🙂

  10. I have one to add:
    Wake up in the morning and go online to check your email. But stop EVERY SECOND WORD to:
    wipe a tushy
    get someone a drink
    break up a fight
    go into a dark room with someone
    say yes and uh huh a few times
    etc.
    (that was literal, I’m sure you can come up with analogies for those!)

  11. Really? Another post linked to facebook on how annoying parenthood is? Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to have kids.

  12. So funny!

  13. This is the funniest thing I read in a long time! It actually helps me appreciate my kids even more knowing that I’m not the only one dealing with all this craziness. It’s not MY kids just acting nuts, it’s ALL kids, being kids!
    I will try to laugh the next time my toddler runs to our nice new couch to wipe his nose on it. Or spills yet another cup of grape juice on our wall-to-wall carpeting. (what was our landlord thinking??.)

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