What if a Woman Loves her Friend More than her Husband? by Sara Yoheved Rigler
The following is an excerpt from an article by Sara Yoheved Rigler which appeared last week in Ami Magazine. These paragraphs blew me away; I hadn’t realized how dramatically different the potential for connection is in the marriage relationship vs. our relationships with anyone else.
“Because of its exalted potential, having not just a peaceful marriage or a good marriage but a great marriage is a great challenge. The obstacles are legion. A wife’s negative reaction to her husband’s leaving his socks on the floor or a husband’s negative reaction to his wife’s tardiness can turn to a potential Garden of Eden into an ordinary, weed-infested backyard.
I heard Rav Kelemen speak in mussar class about the importance of choosing connection. He said that if we choose a relationship of lesser connection over one with greater connection, we are actually choosing disconnection. He said, “If, at the end of Maariv, I stop to schmooze with a friend instead of going home to spend time with my wife, I’m actually choosing disconnection.”
Smugly, I raised my hand. “But we women are more bonded with our friends. So if at the end of this class I stop to schmooze with a friend instead of going home to my husband, then I’m really choosing connection with my friend.”
The rav frowned. “No,” he explained. “You’re choosing disconnection, because every relationship has a connection potential. The connection potential with your friend is much lower than the connection potential with your husband.”
“Oh, I get it. Let’s say the connection potential with my friend is 20, and with my parents is 40, and with my children it’s 60– then with my husband it’s 100.”
“No,” the rav corrected me, “I’m saying that the connection potential with your friend is 20, and with your parents is 40, and with your children is 60, and with your husband it’s 100,000.”
No matter how well you care for your children, how much chesed you do in the community, or how much time you devote to your prayers, working on your marriage should be the keystone of your spiritual life.
Sara Yoheved Rigler gives a weekly webinar for married women all over the world who want to work on their spiritual lives through their marriages. Jewish Workshops is offering her 4-part Kesher Wife Workshop for FREE, and one month’s membership to the weekly webinar for $1. To sign up contact: firstname.lastname@example.org