My husband and I have been married for 7 years and are now ready to start a family. My husband converted to Judaism and we keep a Jewish home and will of course raise our children Jewish. However, my husband's parents are not Jewish and I am really worried about how they will respect our beliefs on raising our child.

They are good people and always make an effort to call to wish us a Happy New Year and make note of all our holidays, but at the same time, they still send Christmas presents... unfortunately, like much of the world, they just don't get it. We have told them that of course, we don't celebrate Christmas, and their response was, "but we do." I have let it go in the past, but will not allow it or accept it for my child. I don't want there to be any confusion with my in-laws that my child will be 100% Jewish.

How do I go about telling them how important this is to us without alienating them or disrespecting their beliefs? I want my child to have a good relationship with all of his or her grandparents, as we are certainly blessed to have them around. But I also want these issues resolved before a child is born so as not to bring any confusion into such a happy time.

My husband thinks we should wait until we are pregnant to bring any of this up, but I feel like we should make our feelings known before, as I don't want to bring anything negative into a pregnancy, should they not be receptive to our feelings. I look forward to your advice and am so happy to have found your website. thank you

(from Chana, and Rabbi Joshua Weisberg- aka- the Jewish Pregnancy husband!)

 

First of all, you should know that the challenges you are facing are very common- even for people with Jewish parents and in-laws. We, for example, live in a community where most of our friends are living a more Jewishly observant lifestyle than their parents. We have seen over and over how this can lead to quite a bit of anger and hostility in the very beginning, and then how it can work out very well as the years pass- especially once children come into the picture. These were some tips my husband suggested:

Be Clear and Consistent - Decide what issues are important to you, and make your guidelines clear for your in-laws from the beginning (for example- you decide no to Christmas presents, but yes to presents in honor of the "Holiday season.") Be very firm and also as kind and understanding as possible. Make it very clear that you love and respect your in-laws, and just want to keep these rules in order to preseve the Jewish identity of your home. Being firm and consistent will be tough at the beginning, but will make things much easier later on.

Be Flexible, when possible- A friend who converted told us that her non-Jewish mother has really learned to enjoy Jewish traditions, and loves Shabbat meals and hearing stories from the Talmud, for example. The mother often says that what enables her to enjoy all of this is that she knows that if it's possible to be flexible, her daughter is, and that she is keeping Jewish law out of true conviction, and never just to be controlling.

In Jewish law, there are many possible levels of stringency, and a very good rabbi in your community (or Rabbi Sperling at this website) should be able to tell you when you can or should compromise on an issue of Jewish law rather than hurt or embarrass your in-laws (honoring your parents is one of the ten commandments- so that's a pretty important consideration.)

Be Careful - If your relationship with your in-laws is not so healthy, strictness might be preferable to flexibility- which could be an opening for conflict. A final note- Just remember that having children almost always makes this issue much easier. Wishing you much success at dealing with this sensitive issue, and a healthy and happy pregnancy, birth, and start of your Jewish family.

Please drop a note sometime to tell us how your plans for starting a family are working out- and how things are going with your in-laws.

yours truly, Chana (and Rabbi Joshua) Weisberg

Jewish Pregnancy Question List