Dear Rebbetzin Heller: The Loveless Marriage


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Over the past few months, I have actually started looking forward to my weekly post-Shabbat laundry sorting marathon, since it means that I am able to watch yet another installment of Rebbetzin Heller’s fantastic question and answer series on Naaleh (the not-so glamorous truth is now officially out…The International Headquarters of computer room, doubles as the Weisberg family laundry room).

I think Rebbetzin Heller is just about the wisest person on the planet.
From time to time I will be posting my favorite questions and answers from her Q and A series. (By the way, if you haven’t already, I HIGHLY recommend checking out Naaleh, an unbelievable free resource for video Torah classes).

Here’s a little taste of the series- Rebbetzin Heller’s response to a Jewish mom who doesn’t love her husband…(Warning: there’s a good chance R. Heller’s answer will make you pretty angry. A few years ago I would have had steam coming out of my ears over what she says. But today, after 14 years of marriage, I believe she is 110% right. I think this is the best advice for a happy marriage out there.)

(forward the video to 32:04 to watch)


Rebbetzin’s Perspective II: Questions and Answe…, posted with vodpod


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  1. I couldn’t agree more – work on yourself, find ways to make yourself happy and your marriage can flourish to new heights.

  2. there’s never simcha, where there is no gratitude. such powerful words! thanx for the video.

  3. This is excellent advice especially the part about taking care of yourself. It’s so important that mom’s with babies get enough sleep and also get a little time for themselves.

    As far as the Shabbat nap goes this one might want to consider having a babysitter come on Shabbat afternoon. That way she can enjoy a Shabbat nap with her husband and maybe even get some help cleaning up.

  4. Woe! She was so right about learning to take care and nurture ourselves so we don’t feel resentment. Not depending on husbands to fill the void. That takes avoda and strength. Gratitude journals ladies!

  5. What a great answer. Especially the part about making time for myself and not waiting for my husband to do it for me.

  6. Ok, I needed this blog like 5 years ago!!!- baruch Hashem and thanks so much for spreading painfully true words and insight on the last 2 generations of resenting men- wow- I feel like I can start anew and for that i am so greatful- like Rabbi nachman says- the past is over- I’m starting my life again! I love you Chana- thanks so much!

  7. Hadassah Aber

    Thanks so much for your posts, humor, sage advice, and more! The cartoon with the cape reminds of one Purim when I did dress up as Supermom cape included. (At the time, I was a single mother of 5 including Down’s Syndrome child!) Another year I dressed as Octomom, a mom with 8 arms, four on each side! Now my oldest is 36 and youngest 13, so I am not dealing with nursing, pregnancy, toilet training etc, but there are new challenges. I wrote your list of 9 steps to Joy and have resolved to try to aim for these as my birthday resolution. Just having celebrated my 58th on Hoshana Rabba, I agree with the sentiments of the song, as well as the article of Shehechiyanu.
    Much hatzlocha to you and nachas from your family,
    Hadassah Aber

  8. I love The Rebbetzin’s point about wanting my husband to also be “half a wife” in addition to his long, stressful day. That’s a great perspective.
    Thanks for your teriffic blog and helpful, uplifting jems. The Pliskin steps are posted on my mirror!

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