Self Awareness (12-Minute Mommy Peptalk)

Self Awareness (12-Minute Mommy Peptalk)

The glasses we wear that distort the way we see ourselves and those around us.


  1. B”H

    Hi Jenny,

    Thank you as always. I love this idea! My Shefer parenting method teacher used this concept as an analogy for misbehaving kids. As you said, most adults feel that they have self-worth “al tenai” – on condition that they are successful or smart or always do chesed or always have a clean home, etc. We want to connect to G-d and to know, wholeheartedly, that G-d loves and accepts us exactly as we are even though we are far from perfect. But most of the time, we don’t feel that way. G-d wants us to grow, but we are no less worthy as human beings when we inevitably make mistakes, get off-track, etc.

    Similarly, when our kids find a certain button to press (i.e. exhibit a negative behavior), it is also a mistake on their part. They feel that they have self-worth, that they are connected to us only “al tenai” – on condition that they do the behavior that elicits a strong reaction from us (either love and encouragement in the case of a positive behavior or anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. in the case of a negative behavior). They want to connect to us, their parents, and to know, wholeheartedly, that we love and accept them exactly as they are. But they make the subconscious mistake of thinking that the way to connect to us is through the negative behavior.

    A big idea in the Shefer method is neutralizing our strong reactions to negative behaviors so that when our kids press our buttons, they don’t get the response they are subconsciously looking for. They don’t feel connected to us as a result of their negative behavior. Since connection to parents is as basic a need as food, water, etc., our kids then have to find other, positive ways to connect to us.

    The challenges of parenting are real and daunting, and sometimes totally overwhelming. However, I find that when I can focus on the idea you presented so beautifully, I not only work on myself spiritually. I am also more focused on teaching my kids that they are connected to me always, no matter what, without any conditions. And on teaching them that we are all connected to G-d always, no matter what, without any conditions. And on the work I can do in the dynamics of my relationships with my kids to help them grow into their best selves.

    • thanks sara, Chedva Vasly (I’m not sure how the last name is written in English) is an extremely popular teacher of the Shefer method. I couldn’t figure out how this specific class I discussed was connected to shefer, thank you for explaining it to me!

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