Why I Felt God Didn’t Love Me

Why I Felt God Didn’t Love Me

(You can read this post or watch the video below of me reading it).

For years I knew that G-d loves me, but I couldn’t feel it.

I worked on feeling it. I really did. For years. Every day, I would try to imagine the Divine Presence showering love down on me.

But I knew deep down that I am
An imperfect mother
An imperfect wife
An imperfect human being
An imperfect Jew

Why would Hashem love a creature as messed up as me?

But recently I had a revelation.

A few weeks ago I tried, for the kazillionth time, to imagine the Divine Presence showering love upon me.

But instead of thinking of how selfish and self-centered and inconsiderate and small-minded and ungrateful and incapable and entitled I feel from time to time, and how disconnected I often feel from Hashem, this time I thought of my deepest ratson, all the things I most want in life…

How much I yearn, beyond deeply, to be:
A great mother
A great wife
A great human being
A great Jew

And focusing on my yearning rather than the fact that I haven’t yet achieved everything I’m yearning for, enabled me to feel and still feel Hashem’s love showering down upon me like a mother who waited decades for a baby, and now the baby’s in her arms.

9 comments

  1. Love this! Just what I needed to hear!

    • JewishMom

      Hannah, I know you in real life, and I have no doubt that Hashem loves you very very much:)

  2. Reminds me of this saying: “progress not perfection”.
    Also, I once heard in a parenting class: “in yiddishkeit, effort equals success”, I take it to mean that Hashem cherishes our efforts, we just have to do our best.

    Hugs!❤

  3. Beautiful! Such a widespread problem, and such a powerful solution!

  4. Simi Shain

    You are just amazing! Your ideas are mechazek so many Jewish mothers. May you be blessed to be able to continue your avodas hakodesh mitoch nachas and plenty of all that you need!

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