I Haven’t Left My House for 11 Days

I Haven’t Left My House for 11 Days

3 weeks ago Mom died, and 11 days ago I came back home to Israel. That means I’m quarantined, not allowed to leave my home for at least one more day, depending on whether the corona test I did today comes out negative.
It is no fun losing your mom, and it’s no fun either being stuck afterward in your home for 2 weeks.
But there is at least one positive thing I’m getting out of not being able to go anywhere or see anybody (aside, of course, from the fact that I’m exempt from all errands as well as 8 AM gan drop off, yay!)
There’s a saying: “Don’t compare your insides with other people’s outsides.” And I am usually (when not locked in my house) so guilty of this. Other mothers’ outsides tend to look so awesome, seeming to balance all their responsibilities so well (so much better than me, and pregnant with a full-time job no less!), raising kids who look so perfect (how is her teenager still so frum? What did she do right and I do wrong?)
But our insides? Nobody’s exempt from challenge, pain, struggle, no matter how perfect her (or her children’s) outsides might seem to us.
And that has been a blessing of these days stuck at home, that I see nobody, and therefore have had a 2 week vacation from comparing my insides to anybody else’s outsides. All I can do is compare my own insides right now to the insides I would like to have, please God, one day soon.

9 comments

  1. spot on – tremendously important insight for us all – “All I can do is compare my own insides right now to the insides I would like to have”
    Thinking of you and feeling for your loss. Hamakom yenachem eschem

  2. Your honesty and humility are refreshing, as usual, Chana Jenny

  3. Tobi Berger

    So so sorry for your loss.

    So can relate to that feeling, I had it during the entire first lockdown… freedom from needing to compare our families to others. Going off Facebook also helped that complex disappear! So freeing!

    Sending love and comfort xoxo
    Tobi liebman Berger

  4. Hi Chana Jenny! Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with us. Despite never having met you I feel very close to you. I think that one of the gains from this turbulent time has been the ability to look inside without constantly evaluating based on what others “seem” to be or have. This is a clarity that I hope to keep even when things go back to “normal.”
    Thank you and may you be comforted in this time of loss.

    • right, all of humanity has been in quarantine with time to only compare ourselves with…ourselves

  5. Leah Haziza

    thank you for sharing…from experience i know that this year is also a serious “pealing off” year…
    you will see serious blessings this year and pls G-d in the years to come
    i only ask my self: “why is this happening when they let go of my hand?”

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