Super Normal Mom by Chaya Raskin
I read this post on the wonderful blog www.thegiftofchildren.com. Check it out!
One simply cannot raise a family with expectations of perfection.
A happy family is one that accepts its imperfections and learns to embrace them.
A happy mom is one who does not strive to be Supermom but a super normal mom, not because she is not super but because an actual Supermom does not – and should not – exist.
A super normal mom does not always have a clean or organized house. Her kids may not always have the purest, most natural and healthy food and snacks. Maybe she doesn’t always make it out to her social obligations, or get herself perfectly dressed every time she does go out. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it just doesn’t.
A super normal mom simply does her best to care for her kids. Some days she’s a warm, loving and patient presence, and some days … she’s not. Sometimes she manages her tasks and duties gracefully, and sometimes she asks for help. She’s doing her best, and as a normal human being, it’s an imperfect best.
But a super normal mom knows that no matter what, her kids will know that she is doing it for them. She’s just a super normal mom of a super normal, wonderfully imperfect family.
Just as G-d expects when he blesses us with children.
Perfectly normal.
Gosh just reading the blog made me feel like the worst mum ever. 5 kids in 5 years? Wish I could do that. I guess it’s hard not to carry all that insecurity that we all feel.
Mothers are not competing with each other. Hashem tailor-made each person’s circumstances, strengths weaknesseS etc to give them the opportunity to fulfill the unique mission He intended for them.
When you see or hear of other people’s amazing accomplishments you can choose to feel inadequate and threatened or inspired and empowered to do what only you can do!
Chaya, you are so right!
Thank you so much for featuring my blog!
I am so happy to hear when my writing touches people and encourages them in any way.
Mina, I agree with you above – the last thing I’d want to do is compete or make people feel inadequate! We are all doing our best, and I hoped that sharing my journey in understanding, accepting, and celebrating it all would encourage others to do so in their own situations tailor-made for them by Hashem.
It’s true that we all feel inadequate sometimes, because we are all challenged in our individual life’s journeys. G-d is always pushing us to work harder, to find more strength within us, because that is how we are truly fulfilled. My goal with my blog is to always try to remember that we are doing ok, that Hashem truly knows what’s best for us, and that it is so NORMAL and ok to struggle with it.
Thank you for all those who took the time to read my writing. I hope it has affected you in some positive way <3
Keren, something you innocently said made me want to post this comment. This is not meant as a criticism of you chas v’shalom and please don’t take it that way.
Sometimes there’s an impression that because it’s great to have as many children as possible (and it surely is), therefore it’s better to squeeze in as many as possible into the shortest amount of time.
By that thinking, we have women stopping to nurse earlier so that they can get pregnant again sooner.
by that thinking, maybe we should all have c-sections in the seventh month so we can quickly get to the next one? But no we all realize how unnatural that is.
There’s a “seder habriah” that the Lubavitcher Rebbe refers to when discussing having more children. We jewishmoms all know what that is. A natural order. Circumventing the natural order may be rough for the mom, but it’s not the mom I’m worried about. She is an adult and she will recover; she will manage or not manage, who cares. It’s the babies. When babies are born ten or 11 months apart it is often difficult for them to have their emotional needs met. And that is not ideal to say the least.
Ideal is to have babies according to seder habriah, according to nature, so that when our bodies are nursing little babies, our own bodies get the message not to ovulate yet.
Certain things interfere with that message coming through. Things like pacifiers, fulltime jobs, strict feeding schedules, etc.
Let’s have lots and lots of babies, gezunterheit, but according to seder habriah so everyone’s needs are met and children grow up healthy and happy.
I remember you writing this years ago! It always got to me. Because my children were born pretty close in age and I had NOTHING on your list to disrupt my nursing. I got pregnant while nursing. No bottles, no schedule and no pacifiers. Sometimes it just happens and then it keeps happening to that same person. 🙂
Commenting again… I could not stop thinking of what you said because it stayed with me in a positive way. I feel like maybe there is a bigger point to be made which comes across with what you said as well as the original blog: what we think today as ideal is a bit crazy. In many ways. Like sometimes it seems like you are supposed to: get married at 19 to a wonderful ben Torah, work and support him, host loads, do loads of chessed, have a baby every year while breastfeeding exclusively for at least 2 years while also staying skinny and beautiful and full of energy to tend to everyone else and provide the full income your growing family needs, daven with kavannah and say tehillim all the time and have only natural births and not need any intervention, pain relief or any other such help and feed your kids wholesome organic meals all the time. Sounds possible? Haha. We are not machines BH. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for all of these things potentially but with gentleness and the knowledge that Hashem made us human for a reason, with human limitations and needs (and that includes babies’ needs for time and attention and a well-rested happy mother too).
Im just curious, what did the rebbe say about birth control for women who get preganant right away while nursing full time on demand? Also, did the rebbe discuss whether it is proper to continue nursing small infants while pregnant?
There seems to be a discrepancy between the gemara and some modern schools of thought on the matter.
Bs´d
thank you very much for this post, its good for us the perfectionists to be reminded that its ok to be human lol. sometimes we also see everyone around us, like Mina G said, we basically compare ourselves to others, to others who seems are doing more or are handling things better, and its nice and good to learn, but at my pace, at my level, and maybe we give quality and not so much quantity. its a lot in the prespective. I´m currently on summer vacaction with my children Bs´d, and this article is in good time :*
I actually meant my comment to say I have no idea how I’d ever meet the emotional needs of so many kids close together. I’m sure it’s possible but I just don’t think I could do it. And I can’t even nurse fully but combination-feed on demand (which I love and cherish as the perfect option for us so not complaining, just saying) so it’s not even a “natural” decision in that sense. I suppose different mothers have different strengths in these areas.
Just chanced on this post again and loving the discussion. I’d like to respond to some of the points, since I’ve done a lot of research on it.
Firstly, Keren, regarding the emotional needs of the children – it definitely takes work, both on my part and the part of my husband. But we also find that our kids are in many ways a lot less “needy” than children of our friends who have more space between each other, since they have siblings so close in age whom they are so close with and really take care of each other in many ways. It’s a fascinating thing to see.
Chanie – from my research, it seemed that the Rebbe was strongly against the entire concept of birth control (as an unnatural measure) unless medically needed. I have always nursed fully on demand and still got pregnant – and thank G-d my kids are happy and healthy and fine. I did not find that the Rebbe encouraged anywhere the idea that a woman does not conceive for two years when nursing (the most common source quoted from the Gemara). While it may be a biological truth for many women, it is not a requirement for those for whom it is not. The Rebbe insisted very strongly that Hashem knows our bodies and our souls and He is the best one to decide on timing for the births of our children.
I have not seen a source about nursing small infants while pregnant; this was something I just went along with my doctor and did as they advised (generally did nurse until it became too difficult for me).