Ghost of Motherhood Future

Ghost of Motherhood Future

I have little kids and kids so big they are young adults. If you still only have little kids I want to prepare you for something that will probably happen one day. One day your teenage or young-adult child, instead of thanking you for how hard you worked to care for them when they were little, will actually blame you for the way you mothered them when they were young.

They might say you weren’t there for them. Because you were too busy with the other kids. Or because you were at work. Or because, fact is, you never really loved them.
Or they might say you were there for them, but too much. You smothered them. Didn’t give them independence. You relationship was so close they never developed strong friendships with their peers. Or a separate sense of self.
They might say you were too strict. And they weren’t given a chance to develop their own sense of right and wrong.
They might say you were too permissive. And they ended up feeling neglected, abandoned.
They might say all sorts of things. Or their exact opposite. But with the exact same result. Their emotional difficulties and life challenges were caused by you, dear Mother, who mothered them poorly. Unlike their friends’ mothers who are the exact opposite of you. And, of course, unlike they will be when they will become parents themselves, IY”H.
So I just wanted to take this opportunity, mothers of young children, who are turning yourselves inside out day after day to keep your kids fed and clothed and healthy and safe.
Remember that you are giving to your child unconditionally. But the results are not in your hands. A close relationship or nachas or “Thanks Mom, I love you” might never materialize, or at least not until you receive more than your fair share of accusations and blame.
You are taking care of your child because it’s your responsibility and the right thing to do, and what Hashem wants from you. Zehu zeh.

And another thing, mother of young children, please make sure that you are taking care of yourself as you take care of your children.
Lest one day you look back and think “I gave up everything for this child, and now he can’t stand me! Why did I give up the best years of my life for this ungrateful person?”
Take care of yourself today and you will be able to look back and know that, no matter what the results are, you tried. And you also enjoyed yourself (at least occasionally) along the journey from babyhood to adulthood.
That, for me, takes away at least part of the sting. But it still can’t touch the sting of knowing that I put my own mother A”H through the very same thing. And now that I’m wise enough to know I was wrong, it is sadly, too late to say, “Mom, now that I’m in your shoes I see how wrong I was. I’m so sorry. Thank You. For everything.”


  1. this is such a powerful and heartfelt post. thank you so much

  2. Mom

    It grated on my nerves,
    Hearing it more than twice.
    Now, though, I miss it.
    What is it? Your advice.

  3. This post makes me think of that friend who said to you that ‘the penny dropped’ at 50. This is such a wise and powerful post, from a mother we all admire and also so relate to. Thank you!

  4. Wow, wow, WOW!!! Such a wonderful post. TRUTH!! Reminds me of a funny conversation I had with a friend several years ago. I was lamenting to my friend that my kids thought me the meanest mom ever for doing x, y, or z. “Meanest mom?” my friend replied. “I have trophies all over the house.”

    Of course, that was “in real time.” Now I’m dealing with what you describe, which is what happens sometimes when kids look back over their childhood. Yes, it can indeed hurt, but what you say puts it into perspective. Your post was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Thank you!

    • JewishMom

      I’m sorry that you are going through it, but happy it helped!!

  5. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for this post! It was so validating to read.
    I’m going through exactly this with some of my adult married children now. The pain is very real. It’s healing to know that I am not alone.

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